Don’t think, suppress

As I am laying here in my bed, 12:30 Am quickly comes and I have yet to shut my eyes. Instead I am memerizing all of the flaws on my ceiling and trying not to think, trying to suppress any sort of thought except for thinking of how I need to fix the little crack in the corner. But quickly this little crack feels like me, slowly cracking from the inside out and all of my suppressed unwanted emotions come along for the ride. I try not to think of that cold night, which isn’t difficult since I cannot remember 90% of it anyhow. I blamed myself, piped it up to getting too drunk, I must’ve been flirting, who cares if he was sober I obviously wanted it. I remember one simple line I said to him, one that soon became a joke between my friends and I. Although I did say the line to him, little did they know I told them about  it so somehow I could make light of the situation… that’s what I am best at, making others laugh and disguising my own pain.

As I awoke at 5 am I fumbled around trying to find any article of clothing that I could use to cover myself. I looked to the man next to me, I know his name but he is nothing but a stranger. I don’t even think for a second, all I do is jump out of bed grabbing whatever I could find, not caring what is left behind. Not even taking a moment to change I run to the hallway bathroom and change into the miscellaneous clothing, some mine, some this man whom I just had met 6 hours prior. Off I went into the snow with nothing but a t shirt, shorts and boots with   a foot of snow and counting surrounding me, yet I feel nothing. All I can think is run, run as fast as you can.

Weeks passed and my “hookup” just became a silly joke, I made light of it so I didn’t have to think of the truth of it all. I didn’t want to think about how he was sober and I could barely piece together a coherent sentence, or about how he told his friend he threw me around like a rag doll. No instead I hid behind a smile, something so simple yet the best mask. I blamed myself and told myself repeatedly that it’s my own fault I had been the one that decided to drink that much and I must’ve been flirting…..This is what has become unacceptable about today’s society, we not only as  women but as individuals should never make excuses or blame oneself for being taken advantage of. It has been five years and I can finally say I no longer blame myself, I blame the man for not seeing I wasn’t coherent and just saw me as  his “ragdoll” and I blame society for making me feel as though I was “asking for it”.

Just know whoever is reading this you are not alone…

Note to Self:

Do not text your ex, who now has a girlfriend after a night of drinking wine, alone…

`Image

Yep, that’s what my wine was making me think about an hour ago. I am the type of person that thinks something is a great idea when I am drinking, but give it an hour or two and I am most likely hating myself for that decision. You may be asking what my brilliant decision was tonight…I invited my “ex” whom I have not seen since last summer out for my birthday on Saturday. Why did I think this was a good idea? Well in my, very drunk mind I took our brief conversation about which streets in his area that were best for apartments as “he definitely wants you back”. 

Sometimes I think what the hell is wrong with me, when I am sober I couldn’t care less about him, but put a glass of wine in me it’s completely different. Well I guess there are two solutions to this problem:

1. Stop drinking delicious wine

2. Delete him from your life

…..yep I pick number 2 😉

The Ship

Today I was rummaging through a box of miscellaneous things, when I came across a single piece of paper that made me freeze in my place. It was my Grandpa’s funeral program. It was the first time I saw it since he passed, four years ago in October. If you read my previous post “My Guardian Angel” you may already understand how difficult this was for me. If not, to sum it up my Grandpa was my best friend, he was one of the few people in my life that I 100% knew loved me unconditionally. All of my siblings will tell you the same thing, because he was the glue between my family. It has been four years, but the pain in my heart still feels the same as the first time I heard he had left this world. I go on everyday, smiling and laughing just like any other person because I know that’s what he would want. Every time I feel sad, or I start to cry because I am not able to see him anymore I can just hear his voice saying “hey don’t you waste those tears on me, be happy, live your life. Just remember Mol, I love you.” It becomes a little more difficult to do this when the holidays come around, but I know that he is right here with me. There are little things throughout my days that make me smile because I know  he is watching out for me. Very few people are fortunate enough to have someone put an imprint on them so early in their life. I was blessed to have been able to spend 16 years with my Gramps, of course I wish it was longer, but I wouldn’t trade a minute I spent with him for the world. I found the following poem on the front of his program and I thought I would share it with you all. I would recommend reading it, I think it is beautifully written, and if you are going through the same thing I am, it helps ease some of the pain.

 The Ship

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads it’s white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. It is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch until, at length, it hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, “There, it goes”
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. It is just as large in mast,
hull and span as it was when it left my side.

Its diminishing size is in me — not in the ship.
And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, he goes,”
there are other eyes watching him coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, “Here he comes!”

– Henry Van Dyke

(some wording changed/left out for the purpose of the program)

A year ago..

This past year my life has been full of chaos and confusion. 

If you asked me a year ago today what I wanted to do with my life I probably would have looked at you straight in the eyes and bluntly said “I have no fucking clue”. At this time last year I was attending a small university made up of 2,500 students, and I was miserable. Don’t get me wrong being away was exactly what I needed, but after my first year being there I felt like the size of the school was suffocating me. We were in a “bubble” where reality almost didn’t exist. My weekends consisted of seeing how drunk I could get before we went to one of the normal house parties that were usually broken up by midnight. Many of you might be thinking, “well that’s college isn’t it?”, but for me it was a way to escape what was going on in my mind. I needed an escape from myself. 

There are very few people that know what I go through each day. I have horrible anxiety, which some days causes me to be very depressed. I am not sitting here trying to diagnose myself, but it is something that I have to come to terms with. My sophomore year of college my panic attacks increased to the point that I was having one everyday. I hated being away from home, I lived in fear that something was going to happen to a family member and I had to live with knowing I spent the last year away from home. I slowly felt as though my world was crumbling around me and I needed to get out. Telling my parents that I wanted to come home was one of the hardest things that I have had to do, because I felt like I was just a disappointment to them. Here I was going to a well known university, on deans list and I wanted to leave it all behind to go to a SUNY school (I am not directing any negativity towards SUNY schools whatsoever, the college I am attending now is by far more challenging). 

When that day came to move out of my dorm for good, I felt so free. I felt like I could finally breathe because leaving was the right decision. It’s funny, I look back now and I am ashamed of myself for how I acted that year and a half. I was careless, unappreciative, and plain stupid. I let myself to be taken advantage of by my “friends” and guys. I didn’t care what the consequences were going to be from my actions.

I am back home now, going to a school that I love and being who I want to be. I am free from the shackles that I was in a year ago. I have a long road ahead of me but I know the journey is going to be worth it. I am surrounded by amazing friends and family that will help me through the speed bumps. I am forever grateful for them and the life I have been given.  

I wish you the best..

I haven’t blogged in a while, I have been trying to keep myself busy which hasn’t been hard to do with work and school starting. If you have read my blog you probably can see that the best way to describe it is a “roller coaster of emotions”. 

Well here’s another emotion, forgiveness. I wish the person I am directing this too would read this, but it doesn’t matter because this is more for myself. I need to get this out and feel the weight lifted off my chest.

I forgive you.

Those aren’t words I just throw around, you know that. It has been almost six years…six years of hating you and everything that even reminded me of you. I have noticed that in the process I was only hurting myself. You moved on, which made it all worse because all I had wished for you was misery. Why did I think this was okay?

We were young and stupid, yet I put all the blame on you. I had a choice and free will during these past 5 years and I kept running back to you.

As I see now that you are in a relationship I can honestly say I am happy for you. It has taken a long time for me to say this. After you and I ended you went into a downward spiral and I always blamed myself. All I wanted was to see the guy that I fell head over heels with back and smiling. We don’t talk anymore but through pictures and social networking sites I can see that you are back, and it is because of her. Yes it hurt at first to think you were with her, but you are back to the guy I knew and that’s all that matters. I hope you guys are happy, and you treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Be the guy I know you can be, the hopeless romantic. I wish you all the best in everything you do, because you deserve it.

 

My Other Half

Six years ago I met the person that I not only consider my best friend but my other half. You may have read all of my other writings where I am complaining about guys and my relationships, well this girl has gotten me through it all.

Little did I know during that first awkward week of high school that I would meet the one person that understands me and accepts me for all of my quirks. As each year of high school passed our friendship grew stronger. There were multiple times I would call her late at night in tears over some boy breaking my heart, and she was always there to tell me that I could do better and that he never deserved me in the first place. It was always the thing that I needed to hear.

After we graduated from high school I know I didn’t need to worry about losing our friendship or us growing apart, because as luck had it we were going to the same college. Our first week of school felt like a repeat of freshman year of high school, the awkwardness of having to make friends but the difference was I had my best friend by my side. We made a group of friends that at the time we thought were awesome, because out of the entire group we were the only two girls, but hey who wouldn’t like that. Quickly people noticed that we were inseparable and when one was not around the other they would ask “where’s your other half?”

Her and I have had our ups and downs of course but we have been able to work through it all because we know that our friendship is not something you throw away over stupid things like guys. I am so lucky to have her in my life because I can honestly say I don’t know where I would be without her. 

Whether it’s a simple text from her asking me if I want to get drunk tonight and cry or having her listen to my constant bitching, I appreciate it all. Without my best friend my heart would be permanently broken, but each time she helps me pick up the pieces and says the simple words “fuck men”.

He comes when you will least expect it…right?

Hello fellow bloggers, I know it has been quite awhile since I have written anything and boy has these past couple months been full of ups and downs.

There is the saying when it comes to relationships that “someone will come in to your life when you least expect it”. This is the best way to describe my last couple months, at least I thought. I had met Adam four years ago, I was in high school and our relationship hadn’t turned in to anything more than a simple friendship through texting. At that time in my  life I had boys in the palm of my hand (not something I am proud of) that I could text whenever I felt like I needed someone to fawn over me. Thankfully now I have changed, but again I was young and stupid. 

After our short stint of talking little did I know that after four years we would reconnect again. It all started with a simple twitter request (corny I know), but the fact that he had to search me made me feel like maybe I never left his mind. Our talking over twitter turned into non stop texting and then hanging out. I met all of his friends and loved every one of them. I will never forget the words his one friend TJ said to him when he thought I wasn’t listening “don’t let this girl go, she is perfect for you.” Of course I could feel the butterflies in my stomach because I knew he was going to be different. We spent large amounts of time together, not letting the 30 minute drive from him to me stop us, creating me to meet his parents and feeling like my complete self. I have never felt more comfortable with a guy until Adam came along. Slowly his past relationship fears crept up on him and it ruined everything. 

Just a week ago it all ended, without warning. I never had my heart feel so empty yet heavy at the same time. I miss everything about him, yet I know I have to move on. People will tell me numerous times that I deserve better, but in my mind I think Adam treated me the best a man could (minus the “break up”). I wish I could say we are now friends but unfortunately things aren’t like fairy tales, and sometimes we just need to move on with life

Irreplacable

I was always one to think that a person is always replaceable. Have a bad break up? That’s okay, there is another guy waiting that will make you forget. Lose a friend? It’s okay, they obviously weren’t worth it. I have learned to see that I could not have been more wrong. Between the constant heart ache I have endured the last five years from one guy, and having my best friend there for me through it all I was proven wrong.

In a negative light, I unfortunately will never be able to replace a first love. First love is something so special and innocent. Yet, I am moving on because there is new love awaiting me. This is not me trying to replace, but to expand my heart even more. New adventures await me, and I couldn’t be more excited.